Over a year later ...

 So... I started my break from work thinking I would have a couple of months then start a job hunt while studying during the evenings.

Grand plans

Anyway... went to a weekly bible study that started at 10am. And fell asleep. Regularly. 

Just so tired. The term is 'burnt out'.

Found a new counsellor. She hates the term 'burnt out' because as she pointed out that implies that the person who is 'burnt out' is somehow used up or its their fault or defect. When reality is they have been under a lot of pressure for a long time. And encouraged me to continue my break if I financially can. And I can. And I think I need to.

It's nice to be told that you are things like 'resilient' and 'emotionally intelligent'. 

Meanwhile I watch and listen to my friends moving in and out of the working world. And in my online gaming world I join and leave guilds thinking about work personal mechanics. Cos guilds are like a workplace in some ways. And realising some more of my strengths. And weaknesses. And wondering about the type of work and workplace I want. Because I don't want that anymore.

And after all that

I've decided I've had enough

On the 3rd of October they started another wave of redundancies and this time, thinking through all the things I could do if I did get chosen, there was a sense of hope and curiosity. And meanwhile all year I've been getting physical stress reactions to the amount of organisational dysfunction and had already decided to take the next quarter off in leave.

And then someone pointed out that there would be another wave in March.

And in June.

And I guess, forever. Because that is how companies work these days.

I was very happy when they decided that they were going to introduce new ways of working in the last couple of years. Both for the tools that they were introducing and supposedly the concepts of how we do work I had been harking at for years.

I haven't seen that though. The message got stuck half way down the business somewhere in middle management that didn't take it seriously, openly derided it to staff as just a fad, didn't appear to understand the basics of the philosophies, and implemented a half-assed mess that just broke my heart. The flow of work was just so broken. It took me a year to work out why I had so many problems getting engagement with those who I needed to get engagement with doing my job. By asking a series of questions of the work flow coordinators they began to see the issue too. But I felt like I had wasted a year in frustration. Also locally it was a case of the original terrible way we worked, overlaid a little bit on some new tools.

The things I have learnt to value and believe in (that management say they care about) were just not valued. As a BA eliciting requirements tracing the value (that is, the actual customer experience), in small pieces, iteratively, from Product Managers who are meant to know what they want, through to what we actually build, what was happening was the old ways. The old things were collected into requirements (for all they might be put into JIRA, although most often I saw JIRA used as only a task list or a meeting minutes record), and then the solution created so the requirements were seen as not needed any more (because solution was all still in word documents, or maybe Confluence pages), and the test cases even would be created external to JIRA and based only on solution, not the original requirements/stories. Hence the massive disconnection from the original value that was meant to be built.

I've been a fan-girl of Atlassian for years having created a wiki as a kind of overlay, one stop shop, fast access of all the tools and information sources over a decade ago. I hadn't realised it was referred to as 'knowledge management'. Now I know that is a topic I have been doing my own research. And in the last year, having been handed a horrendously broken process where I was essentially a human mediation layer, I introduced JIRA ticketing and have discovered that I'm actually pretty passionate about taking manual processes on their journey from broken manual, to robotic automation, to proper system orchestration. And I'm also passionate about being a good BA. Doesn't look like I can do it here though.

I don't think they even know what a BA is or does actually.

The week I was teetering on the edge of making my decision some of the biggest dysfunction I experienced that year happened  - in and around requirements for the actual self care interface if you can believe it. Discussed my decision with friends, went home and had the best night sleep I'd had this year. And then told my boss next day. And that was that.

So I've signed up for a BA certification course next year. I've signed up for a learning platform for certain skills I want to hone. I have a clear idea in my mind of what type of jobs I want. And I'll be looking for companies that 'get it' with regards to workflow ; call it 'Agile' or whatever... I just call it not wasting people's time and keeping your eye on genuine value.

And you can be damn sure I will be looking very carefully at culture.

Autonomy is a strange place

It's really strange moving out from a space where I had very directed work, to a place that is results driven with barely any guidelines.

I'm constantly asking of myself should I be doing something? And I find myself looking for permission to others in things that I see need doing ... and yet there is no one really owning the overall situation. Or rather there is but they are so high up that they would look strangely at you if you asked.

It puts me out on a limb. I own or do not own. I do or do not do. I make it happen or it does not happen (by me anyway I guess). Before I could lean back into some comfortable process or way of working or clear direction given. Now I have to work out the best solution and make it happen. I love the creative freedom... and yet it's another way to fail.

I guess I am not as scared at failing here now though - it's taken a long time to separate that which was imbued in my spirit with what is required here.

I like my new team leader (new as of February). They are good at both setting a vision, and then giving a kind of permission to get to that vision. Two separate things.

Still a bit of an issue on feedback from them. A bit better than the last one. That's always been an issue all my working life I've realised. Best article I've seen  written by a CEO makes it my responsibility to get feedback - and I'm ok with that. Or rather I've decided that hey if I want to be a good BA well then der, that's kind of my job so just extend that out personally. Also, I no longer have any belief that leadership programs seriously teach the importance of feedback, it's just such lacklustre token effort. My friend seeing the article I shared as the best I had seen to date was appalled that the article took such an approach - but then also conceded it was necessary.

Why though? It's so odd. Surely one of the key functions of leading is that coaching/directing/teaching part - and feedback should be so fundamental.

I wonder if our current society's dislike of failure is caught up in that? We don't like being seen to fail so we don't ask for feedback. A leader doesn't like seeing/dealing with their staff that fail so they don't give feedback. I suspect they are connected.

Recently took on being president of our local Toastmasters club. We are going to be a club that excels at feedback I've decided. I asked the question, who here wishes that they had had better feedback in their jobs either past or present - and no surprise everyone did. This means I also need to work on giving feedback - what is is, what it's for, why and how.

IWD2018 personal progress

I'd elected not to go or do anything about IWD this year. Shadows of cynicism, hopelessness, pointlessness, and pragmatically choosing that there were other things I would rather do, but, best of luck to them.

So it was strange that near the end of a crazy, busy day I found myself thankful that I had stayed in engineering.

I laugh at myself. This is me. Internally I barely refer to myself as an engineer. It is not in my list of statements about  my identity. I might say 'I did an engineering degree' (and that I am still amazed I actually did) but I don't say 'I am an engineer'.

Today at around 2.30 a newly minted Director, one of the good guys who has brought in the healing wind of change of good people leadership wandered past with purple UN ribbons saying our corporate had bought them for us. So my colleague and I put them on and continued racing through what we were doing respectively.

It was one of those days when I had been meaning to get sunshine and sandwich for the last hour and it was now 3.15 and I had another meeting in 15 mins. And even further subconscious prompting reminded me I had been meaning to go to the bathroom for the last hour.

So because it's a yearly marker I ended up thinking again through now, verses then.

My day had been filled until that point with work of such breadth and depth.

A meeting for collection of requirements for a business/legal/regulatory solution where an architecture solution needed to be chosen and even the existing solution optimised with an end architecture goal in mind and incoming products attempting to interpret incoming legislation in awkward ways. No architect available but conveniently located two desks over and easy reach coffee breaks is the architect who worked on this last year. Good thing as I stare bemused at a precipice of learning about general ledgers and revenue tracking.

In the late afternoon this colleague comments on a solution brief she has architect-ed for zero rating of Paypal portals for those with no credit - this is a customer solution I have been chasing for over four years now. Fascinated and delighted the end is in sight I check it's ok then forward this to the person managing the customer relationship of a high visibility customer who we both have been tracking for two years.

An urgent request had come in for a kind of mobile VPN for which I had recently inherited a hideous email driven process and am trying to sanitise and optimise this immediately with a JIRA instance while 6 and counting different project groups attempt to automate in the same space. And later in the day I find out that one of the implementation teams are setting up their own JIRA such that with their efforts and several other groups most likely it will not just be a notification tool but will at least be able to set states. Oh and I need to teach myself JIRA development ASAP.

A project for a product worked on last year I set a time frame. This time I'm the analyst and not architect and have confidence that I can produce the needed artefacts. And this time I've worked out I need a senior analyst to mentor me and have set this up for tomorrow. And by the end of the day I will meet with them and chunk out time for workshops and have directions and goals and clarity on what I'm actually meant to do in this role.

And I started the day completing an authentication file for a series of SIMs using an Air Gap laptop and PGP encryption while working in this space between machines. And ended the day justifying the ordering of services for creation of SIM candidate cards.

It's been a huge day of interesting and fun tech.

I can do this. It's fun. And I'm glad I stayed.

Re-focus to escape

Discussing with a friend, a DV survivor, this morning what would I say if I met someone else in that situation, and she asked what happened that I made a move to get out of there.

I think what helped me move out is when I focused on something else - somewhere to get to.

So going through the logic:

Slowly over time the situation has become more and more toxic - in fact it's really bad so that all those who care about me are telling me to get out.

As it's happened so slowly I can't see its so bad. I don't believe them as they are outside and they can't see the things I hope in, that the people are mostly ok and have good and bad sides, that there are chunks of hope.

My view of myself has eroded over time. I no longer believe I have any value. I believe I am useless and unemployable. The pieces of hope I have are that I might be lucky to get a break in this place but that is the only hope that is realistic for me. I believe what they say of me and how they view me and how they treat me.

Management don't know any better. It's been like this for a long time, everyone here the same. So they can't see how bad it is or what could be better. I am getting my reference point from them and this feeds into my perception of myself and my work.

 I know I'm unhappy. And I pick at it. And really that doesn't get me anywhere.
Even as I read up and analyse it and here is where I am grateful for feminism concepts to untangle events for which I do not have words or concepts or a framework to process what is going on. I had kept away from all that stuff years ago, equating anything about gender a cause of problems. Determined that if I ignored gender, that anyone else who dealt with me would ignore it also. If it had no value to me, then I should be perceived as person first gender next by others. And that is sort of true. Excepting that my differences by whatever means, gender being part of those, seemed to be the problem. The emphasis on inclusiveness makes so much sense to me.

So what to do with this happiness? This round and around in my head of I am useless so I can't do anything so I'm stuck here and lucky to have a job.  So helpless. Just stuck. Around and around.

So I was frustrated with myself as much as those people around me who I heard saying the same things. Complaining to one another does not improve matters.

So I started with the question "What do I want?" I can't whinge about something and just stay there - I need to take action or else quit complaining. It was clear that despite much effort things were not going to change there as I had tried. And I can't just want something impossible, like 'that it's not like this' - it needs to be something tangible. So I started looking outwards. What could I do, what could I aim for.

So the focus stopped being on myself, and this internal I'm useless short-circuit, to looking outside to what I would like to do, I could see there were opportunities out there, and work out the steps to take and have the courage to take them.

As I chatted with my other friend who had been in a situation like this, you just don't know that you're in that situation and how bad it is. You won't believe people who tell you to get out.

Perhaps the trick to help those people is to show them what else is out there, what other workplaces are like, and encourage them to look inside, not at what they are, but what they would like. What you would like is independent of how good or bad you are at it. Capture people's imaginations, help them get in touch with the interests and likes inside of them, show them opportunities.

How to not believe people. And the power of knowing what you want.

If you trust people, and trust is a good thing, you can get things done more quickly.

In a toxic environment, if you are someone who offers trust, then you believe it when management says that they will do this, or will do that. You believe the best of people and that things will change in such and such a circumstance. Particularly when they themselves might believe what they are telling you.

Maybe I need to do regular reality checks of the situation around me. That toxic situation went on way too long. It's not like I'm not capable of assessing if someone is actually going to do something - regardless or not if they are capable of doing something. My EQ is not that bad even if you have to wonder if I put up with that for so long

And reality checks of myself. If I can not change into what they want me to be in order for the overall circumstances to change, well then I only have myself to blame if I stay there.

I guess I am wondering what could I say to young women coming into the STEM industry how to recognise and remove themselves from a toxic place - how to see that no matter how interesting the work is, how cool a lot of the people are, how great the overall company may be, how to recognise and just leave.

I think part of it is the question I ended up regularly asking myself "what do I want?". It got tiring with this nebulous whinge of I'm unhappy. I am about solutions so solve it. Sometimes the definition of a solution requires a direction first to identify the problem. And it's just so negative dwelling on problems all the time. Particularly when problems are just so obvious - and not soluble anyway. Having a specific direction, knowing what I wanted, is a lot more tangible. It just makes more sense, is a better use of energies, to navigate around rather than through.

Knowing what I wanted, and part of that is obviously not to work in a toxic place, really helped me navigate out of there. I took steps towards what I wanted to do, and now am on my way to how I want to work with the tech I love.

BWS

A few months back I caught up with someone who had been working in the construction industry. Who at the time, me included, we had all been urging to leave her toxic workplace as they were constantly stuffing her around and treating her badly. So odd that people at the same time were also urging me to leave. For both of us for many years. And neither of us could see it for ourselves.We stayed because we believed we could make it better, that it would get better, that there was better there, that the people were better (sometimes) and the work was...ok? Anyway she had left a couple of years back, been promoted 6 times and now is managing 30 people. She now saw me after 6 months out of that toxic place, and seeing how much more relaxed I am, she says we are the ones who understand why we stayed there, despite everyone telling us to leave. And I do. I get it.

Why did we stay in those toxic places?

We looked for hope? We saw solutions if we could just get them implemented. We could do things. We could fix things. All our training, knowledge, skill, we knew how. And the people, at least individually are all ok. Mostly. Maybe one or two exceptions. And the work is interesting and worthy.

But the culture is toxic.

Maybe it was us. I know for me it was a case of there is no way I could get a better job elsewhere. I was lucky to have this one and the pay is reasonable.

So anyway, we're both out. By our own choices and actions.

And we do understand why we stayed.

In fact her partner said as we were discussing it, "battered wife syndrome". I looked at him in some surprise, and went home and looked it up. It's no longer a syndrome, but I see what he means in the rough descriptions.

Makes me look twice now at the domestic violence stories.

And other stories of bullying and marginalisation. Most recently of assistant ministers in the Anglican church. Someone asked the question, "well why do they stay?" as if it was obvious that anyone who was above this all, pure of motive or whatever would have the common sense to leave.

But I get it now. I don't think there is any way I could have understood until I was out of it. I had years and years and years of friends and family telling me to leave. And considering I still haven't left the company as a whole just the toxic section, I still anticipate a certain level of cheers when I finally say I'm gone.

Someone posted an article on the 'work finding social media platform' re my company re leadership approach to culture. Wow. It was messaged to me and I privately asked someone who I know in HR about it. She also was surprised and told me to keep my digital signature clean as they would be scouring everywhere. Both the article and her response to tell me to protect myself from fallout make me feel just sick again. That, and what I've seen towards the end of the year of ... other things.

I've taken a large amount of leave at the end of this year to think about things. I was in that toxic section for a long, long time. It is not unreasonable to need a little more time to work through things to let them go and build to where and who I want to be.

When you can't even produce a sigh

So the new director visited today.

He was late. Like 30 mins. And due to recent costing exercises where I have all the OPEX costs in my head I could actually cost this. And then he spoke for 40 mins. And then we had morning tea over which we were permitted to continue to listen to him. I watched a person who I admire greatly contribute to one of his points and watched his slight impatience.

He started with what seemed to be establishing his credentials of things he had achieved. But very little talk about team work or building others up.

He gave two specific examples of staff. A GM who left when he became director. And a woman who he had been recently talking to who had formally been one of his staff. As there are not that many women out there it wouldn't be hard to work out who.

The thing that has got me just so disheartened is his repeated statement about if anyone was unhappy they could leave. Saying that if staff are unhappy they could leave is a statement about culture. It's saying I don't want to know any problems, don't tell me just solve them and I'm not interested in helping. Here are my KPIs and get behind them or go away.

There is no group effort here.

I've never been so glad to be 4 levels down and beneath notice before.

Authenticity, engagement and standard setting

The CEO has made a post which is being read by a lot of people as permission to vent.

Lower level people that is.

Upper level people are all 'rah rah yes yes'.

And I suspect middle level people are going to be very silent as they need to do both.  (Although I have noticed a lot of likes...)

To me, it's made me look at the question of enablement again. We have system after system that gets put in place collecting staff ideas and getting very enthusiastic and then nothing happens. And every single system I've seen has this same breaking point : you begin to submit... and you get to this point in the submission process where basically they expect you to do everything, you the submitter.

They expect you to understand the scope of the problem and your solution

They expect you to be able to cost it (get real???)

They expect you to have all the details of the solution.

They even expect you to proof of concept it.

It's this constant push back on the submitter. It's like they don't really want to hear. It's like they really don't want to do anything.

It's like a wall.

Seriously the last time I submitted something if I hadn't had my secondment experience over the previous 3 months I would have had no ability to participate. The process itself has demonstrated this massive disconnect between senior leadership's understanding of staff enablement. We have all these staff who really want to do something but can't do it. And then the upper levels go 'yes we care, tell us your woes' and the cycle starts again. Again and again and again.

Anyway, I posted. I can back up everything I posted.

And it's an interesting problem to think through how, if I were upper levels, would I break this amazingly stupid cycle.

Team ratings while thinking about trust

My one on one with my new manager yesterday. He's now acting as GM too so it's a wonder he has the time. So I think we all save up a lot of work stuff to ask/tell him as he's too busy to barely breathe the rest of the time. But wow, best manager so far, he does not cancel them. That's a real testament to wanting a good staff culture. I can almost count on one hand for each of my previous managers how many 1 on 1s I had with them. They very little seemed to value the time. This big corporate and they go on about 1 on 1s every so often and I don't understand why they can't see that they just don't happen.

But anyway he brings up end of year ratings. And immediately my stress levels go up - I've realised that they were a way that previous managers have justified their treatment of me. If they gave me a reasonable rating then they would have to explain the missed opportunities, lack of responsibilities and just generally the way they talked to/of me. I remember at one point they used to ask us to sign our ratings after they gave them to us. I refused due to how wrong I thought my rating was one year. I don't remember having to sign anything years after that. The one decent manager I had during my years working in that toxic place (besides the manager I got when I was seconded out of there - oh how I wish I had had him years earlier) wanted to give me a middle rating and the manager above him (definitely part of the old guard toxic crowd) made him rate it down. By then I was able to reassure him it was fine as I didn't care - he cared though and I never really got why but possibly because he could see it was unfair too.

But my new manager brings it up and I point out how counter this is to team building as it is one rating against another. And how I don't care as it does not affect my remuneration - all I care about is his review of me as that is what I will take if I was to leave. He's knows all this but at the end of the day he's got to give me a number - that is a problem that this corporate forces on him.

And this seems to run counter to various values they seem to have around working together, etc. It's one of the nails ultimately that pits one person against another, and one team against another.

Seriously, I just don't get it. This is what seems to hurt the most. The large disconnect between corporate values and how they are acted out when it gets down to the lowest levels.

I guess I'm being idealistic. A lot of other companies out there have the same thing. Maybe I just need a holiday. Maybe I need to leave and see what else is out there and what their cultures are like.

Trust

So many differences in the whole approach to work now. In my old section I had set ways of doing work and it had to be 100% correct. In this new area, there is this rough concept of a goal for which we develop an understanding based on business need and business strategy, folded through with the various values we have around customers and with legal and regulatory needs. And 100%? Nice goal there. Let's try 50% if that on the first pass. I'm almost fell off my chair when my senior colleague told me this. About an hour later on the phone my friend who is similarly senior but working in a different industry at the same type of job told me the same and emphasises regularly it will never be 100%.

And this goes straight into the heart of my fears from what happened before and how I learnt how to deal.

Because when you're being bullied/discriminated/  - and I've learnt a new term here - mobbed, one of the ways they get at you is when you make mistakes, when you're not 100%.

I have to send work out that I know is less than 50%. And that goes straight into the heart of my fears. And I have to send it out like that asking for feedback. Be willing and ready for challenge and change.

There is zero room for defensiveness here. All those old rules and protections I've built because I had to before do not work here. If anyone challenges me like that - and they do as there are gossips who pick at people and snipe behind people's backs  - I just have to shrug and focus on the work.

But for the most part they're not like that. And that's another big thing I have to adjust to. As it's not such an overall toxic workplace, the the other areas I deal with are not so toxic, they don't behave in ways (mostly) where I actually have need to throw up my defences. There is a softness there. A willingness for suggestions. A willingness to work together and accept feedback and direction where needed. Everyone who approaches anyone starts with a kind of humility at least while everyone works out who is what where (it's a huge company so this is almost a constant thing to work out for all of us as people swap in and out and are moved around). 

And it all in the end comes back to trust. 

Each year or so I work on a word. Something to think about, something to theme, something that I want to understand in life. This year I was thinking I need to understand relationships better and was going to have the word 'community' but something made me change it just as I was sticking it up there to remind me to 'trust' instead. And... I'm glad I did. I mean practically what does trust mean? It's one of those words that I go, sure I know what it means... but then you think about it a bit more and everything is expressed in a kind of experiential way. So the dictionary definition "firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something." But these days the concept of truth is challenged everywhere. So no wonder I wonder about the concept of trust.

And it affects everything.

Private non-safe and public active inclusion

On Tuesday I caught up with 3 women of what I refer to as "my old toxic area".  They can see the change in me. How I am a lot more relaxed and confident - even while at the same time I am kind of freaked out at how big a task I've taken on in my job in my new area (seriously, it challenges me in 7 different parallels, some of which it's just hilarious how opposing they are to my former work and natural tendencies trained into me how to deal). And I was asked a couple of times, as I was hotdesking on the floor I was previously on, if I missed the old workplace and I replied honestly that yes there were parts I did miss.

Anyway my friends at lunch stated clearly that no it wasn't just me, there are culture problems back in that old area, even (and first) the person who tends to be most cheerful and smiling over it and I've never heard her say it quite so bluntly before. Another of us women (not at lunch) is rotating out for 6 months and the bet is on she won't come back. My longest term friend is due to rotate I could hear in what she was telling me just how hurt she has been since the reorganisation last year - their efforts at complying with diversity efforts just making the problem worse. I don't think the area she is rotating to is that much more culturally better but at least it's away so she'll be given some emotional distance from the day to day in order to sort out in her own mind what is going on and what she can  work out what she wants to do. She is so smart. Seriously she's wonderful - but she's been this background person for years and they either just ignore her or treat her like crap. My one attempt at sticking up for her got me in serious trouble and then she got seriously angry with me for it - I sensed fear maybe? She told me it had had negative consequences for her so I was sorry for sticking up for her as I didn't want that to happen. She's a very private person. I'm glad she's forgiven me. I wasn't sure if I should invite her to lunch but she responded yes really quickly and I think I'm going to try to catch up with her in our holidays. See how we go.

So I was wondering about inviting these people to that private corporate forum sub group thing I mentioned earlier. And... basically I've discovered after that HR person pissed in that group, what's the point? It's not a safe space. So the next thing is looking for external safe spaces. I might see if I can discover more about the Google Women Techmakers thing. However I discovered chatting from staff at the event last Friday that all the large tech companies have a similar program and given Google's horrendous diversity record (the regulator is taking them to court right now because they won't release diversity data from 2015 onwards lol) maybe that is pointless as it's just another tickbox.

They've been shoving down our throats a lot lately diversity this, diversity that. Every fricking team meeting practically since last year. It's been proven that diversity programs don't work and in fact make things go backwards. So as the rare number of women in the group when they go on and on about it you sick there and you feel uncomfortable and you figure you only got your job because of some diversity policy - and so do most of your team members.

Seriously why on earth is my corporate doing this? Do they want it to fail? All this effort for what exactly? Do they actually want to make it worse for us? They do know why we don't raise issues yes?

Just yesterday over new section pizza I was told of the team who works right next to us work the strict 9 to 5 be at your desk hours and a grad in that area, female, was told no she may not go to lunch in the city or work there as it would take too long. Stunned. I did not think that style of working still existed after all their programs and leadership things. The grad this affected was told complain to HR. She has elected not to and just suck it up for another 3 months. I was really surprised anyone would take any other action than what she has done (mind you this was a young white male who said this - he'll learn).

In an interesting state of affairs one of the other women from my old toxic area has done one of the promotional videos for the area that the new wonderful GM is encouraging to change the culture, and it was commented on positively from the GMD. This is a great and good thing. I'm really glad and good on her. It's so rare when women get called out positively specifically for their work and it doesn't come across as a token thing.

Possibly the worst way things are made less diverse is by a passive ignoring.  An active inclusion on things that actually matter is so positive.

Trending in leadership : character

Apparently we're not talking about "personal leadership" anymore. We're talking about character. Which makes sense as prior to this another buzzword was "genuine".

And I keep thinking about Kipling's poem 'If'. Cos, you know how it goes, even if it's about men, being women we're expected to appropriate male things all the time. So in this case even though it's specifically to men, I totally will appropriate it as it's a great poem about character.

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, 

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, 

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, 

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, 

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: 

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster 

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken 

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, 

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, 

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools: 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings 

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, 

And lose, and start again at your beginnings 

    And never breathe a word about your loss; 

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew 

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you 

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch, 

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, 

    If all men count with you, but none too much; 

If you can fill the unforgiving minute 

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

   Very English. Somewhat Buddhist. A more Christian approach would be to cry with others or feel joy with them: a more empathetic approach. I guess it doesn't talk about how to build those relationships with loving friends. Hmmm. So it's not quite all there. I saw a reference to 'Servant Leadership' on the corporate webpage and almost fell off my chair as that's so Christian. But no worries it referenced a Wikipedia article (being challenged from 2012 as being not sufficiently referenced) referring to Chinese philosophers so no danger of that Christian stuff there. 

Still character is an interesting thing to think about. One step, one day, at a time.

Being able to recognise what is happening

It has surprised me that over the last couple of weeks I am hearing more stories of
a) Women actually asking what to do if the workplace is bad
b) Being told bluntly "Leave".

I guess a) surprises me because I never really asked it. I didn't realise I could. I am very happy to hear of it being asked because this means that more and more women are realising, this is BS and it's not *my* fault. This is very good to hear. This recognition is such a key survival thing.

Now in what has to be hilarious timing  we get these adds from Microsoft *blaming* women for leaving STEM. And here is a fabulous response to this this.

Now I would just like to remind you that this is the same Microsoft that, while very apologetic that it happened, their own employees the product of their own Microsoft culture and policies thought it was ok to have strippers dressed as schoolgirls at an industry party. Say what they like about what they supposedly believe but somehow their beliefs didn't get communicated to middle and lower employees here.

So b) surprises me I guess as maybe I was hoping for a different response? I mean, we're makers and fixers and problem solvers in STEM, so this response is like the total opposite of that. Put that together with a culture that puts the onus on girls to smooth things over, for women to make things all right, for females to do the emotional housework. It kind of goes against the grain.

I'm sick of fighting though. It's so much frigging energy for nothing. Yesterday a colleague from across my organisation who I much admire as being up to date with industry, very capable and adaptive tell me that she's looking for jobs externally. Their section is going through a reorg and it will be the third time she'll have to negotiate for her job.

You see another huge elephant in the room, and it's in this exact same room, is, most tech jobs can be done anywhere - and so a lot of STEM jobs gets shipped off overseas. There is a casualness and insecurity about tech which is just not friendly to people with families. As women bear the brunt of families then this leaves an off taste. I asked my social media why they thought a lot of people didn't study STEM at uni and that was the response from a number of guys who are actually in IT.

There is this huge thing about needing more people with STEM skills ... and then this competing problems with culture and insecurity. I get the feelling that we're going to have to solve it by going around rather than through.

Out. Now to continue getting better.

Well big news  - on Thursday I was successful at a position interview process elsewhere in the company. When I go to write my occupation on a form it will no longer be 'engineer' but instead will be 'analyst'.  Still deeply embedded in the STEM industry and with the need to drive with more autonomy, creativity and influence than I ever have before in my working life. It's back to more of the type of work that I was doing before I found myself in that toxic area. But at a much deeper level in a much harder job.

Such a difference in one year. Last year at this time I stayed with a friend in the country. I was trying to work on a side project for a competition for work and having problems focusing. We spent a bit of time talking about work and I realised that I was a bit of a mess. Come June last year, and the very first day of my first secondment out of there and there was just this massive sense of absolute relief. I had not realised how stressed I was in my old toxic area. That was by the end of Monday. I woke up on the Wednesday and thought, I can't go back. But you know, there are lots of nice people there in my old area and the work is very interesting. But off and on over the months I would think about how I had to go back after my secondment. And then there would be periods of massive spikes of depression thinking back over things. And then I worked out that going back and the spikes of depression were connected. So I became resolute about not going back. And then there was a second secondment away from there - and more importantly into a type of work that I had identified I had the skills for and wanted to do in the future, and that I could transition to as a junior role externally.

And now it's a year later and I can really see what a huge mess I must have been a year ago. Lots of people have commented to me how different I seem - a lot less stressed. I am more mentally healthy than I have been for a very long time.

About two years ago at one point I thought I was having a stroke. ECGs in emergency, an MRI, and a couple of appointments with a neurologist - a professor in neurology at a top teaching hospital no less, and no it's just all in my head. The neurologist was bemused that I was so relieved to be told it was just stress that was causing all these real symptoms. But seriously, why didn't I realise then what my job was doing to me and take action? How could I have kept going?

It's so strange. I guess I've had to survive for so long with my depression - CBT and just constant practice of thinking the best of things and consciously looking for good. And then applying that too my work area. Because there is a lot of good. And a lot of bullying and marginalisation behaviour is much better now. I mean, there are still outrageous examples - as per my last manager in that old toxic area prior to my secondment out. During my secondment out I was given the best possible manager back at my home base of my old area who has been amazing even though for all practical things he's not really my manager. There is just so much good in amongst the old area. But for me that door had closed. I had worked out that I could not go back. And finding that Outlook task kind of proved that again. I would constantly say to this wonderful person that it wasn't them and that they were fantastic, and that the new GM bringing in culture change is fantastic, but I am too damaged.

And I am. My lack of confidence applying for this role. Each little thing doing work, stretching out to make decisions that I would be totally responsible for, creating emails and documents, stretching out to ask questions. Being willing to be wrong. Asking for feedback - oh how precious is feedback and this time actually getting feedback. Being told I got the role and almost collapsing. Not wanting to tell anyone as it doesn't seem real. My posts on friends only social media is obscure and leaning back on a thread from days back about the 4th interview - but the friends who followed that have found it and are very happy for me. They've seen the damage over the years. It's been a long time. And they've seen me since I've been out of there.

So now to get over it. I've realised that listening to my friend in my old area saying that I have to get over it while I was there actually wasn't reasonable. The damage was done over a long long time. I was in that old area since 2000 and various incidents also prior that. That's a long, long time. To expect someone to just snap out of it is not realistic. I stayed because I was a little boiled frog. It's going to take me a while to trust again. It's going to take me a while to trust managers again - although I think I'm a naturally trusting person. Except HR. I don't think I'll ever trust HR at our company again but I don't really have to because they don't deal with us so that doesn't matter.  There are little day to day incidents of respect - it almost weirds me out.

I think that how I am going to get over this is producing one piece of work at a time. One document. One workshop. One training session. One repository. They know I'm still learning the technical stuff. They know my approach and my attitude. I delight that every day I'm there I'm learning new stuff. That one of my immediate team members is amazing at this job and I have him to learn off.  And all of this translates to roles I could get outside, away from the old area's type of industry.

Today two later there is a sense of relief and calm and determination. Even if I'm not up for this job I've got a chance. There is so much I can learn here. In fact I am also going to be working with an SME who is at the technology heart of some of my biggest technical dreams. I am nervous I won't be up for this but I'm going to try. See what happens I guess.

I don't know what they do so maybe I don't understand why they don't do it

I think... I need to talk about HR.

I try not to think about HR. I try to meet and recognise nice people in HR. The friends I have in HR who I like and respect and trust I watch really carefully trying to understand how they think.

Because mostly how the hell did what happened to me happen if HR exists? Seriously.

I should probably also mention that last Thursday week while trying to set on ways to manage the work that I'm now doing I was looking again at Outlook tasks thinking that this might be the most appropriate tool. And in amongst a similar experiment from a couple of years back, I found a few tasks from many years back, and one specific task from 2008.

It was a task  where I had detailed the day to day  things that had happened to me over a period of months - along with attached emails - that were about the bullying and what the section was like ... and I just read it over again as I was about to include things from it here thinking I had got my equilibrium back ... but I haven't. Finding it was like a bomb. Even talking about it makes me cry. Reading it again just then I feel the helpless, the angry (which I turn in on myself as it's safest) and uselessness of it all that made me want to do what I had starting acting on. At one point I was going to try to write a book on this. I have all my emails and books somewhere around. But I don't think I can. It is just too much.

But reading this stuff, I just think *how* did HR not step in and act? At that time there was 1 HR person for our 2500 employees in our branch nationally. I know this because when I first rang him I was my usual friendly and chatty self and he told me. But by the pinnacle of this whole debacle was a meeting with me, my manager, my manager's manager, the HR person, the HR person's manager on the phone. I had spent 1.5 hours with a friend who was an industrial relations lawyer preparing for this meeting and writing out a statement that I was going to make. When I showed another lawyer friend afterwards she said something about giving myself away. But I always fight fair and take ownership of my own issues. I don't remember the points of it but I remember her comments so I suspect whatever I did wasn't wise in the ways of the world. Ah well. When I tell people about that meeting they say that that would never happen with HR at their work and shake their head in horror.

My managers' manager retired last year. Before he did I rang him up and asked if he remembered. He implied that he remembered I had some problems and was quite unpleasant about it. People think he's a nice guy. I just don't know what to think. My manager at that time people thought and still do think he's a nice guy. I think he's a nice guy but too weak a person for the situation he was in. He had been working with HR before my stuff seriously started happening to get rid of someone (who did need to go - wasn't up to the work and was hassling female employees). HR seemed to have decided he should take the same approach with me that he had used with this other person. Which just didn't work as they were not the same issues. Anyway various things happened which when I tell people about them they're horrified and I'm still there.

I do indeed have a ripper work story to tell. When I won't fall apart telling it.

But HR. Seriously. I know that they work for the company and not for the employee. But when they don't truly bring out the company's supposed ethics and step in to do something about it is that truly working for the company?

Recently someone started a women in tech group on the corporate forum thing. So hey I joined - it was private too which is something I asked for over 2 years ago and nothing happened. Sounds like someone in the IT groups had also realised there was a need for a private women's support section.

However HR are commenting into this group's threads. I quote this particular HR person's response to another friend of mine's comments on failing to retain women:
"
Yes I agree it is an issue about retention as well as recruitment. I would encourage any female (wherever they work in the business) to raise any issues impacting their health and wellbeing with either their 1 up manager, HR or [the corporate sponsored counselling service]. Given the nature of [how our offices work] and [our policy of making all roles flexible to work in], it can sometimes be hard to provide a convenient, physical space for people to go to - which is why groups and discussion like this are so important.
"

This just sounds like paper-our-ass talk. Let's break it down practically shall we?

Talking about health issues with work is almost always a bad idea. Seriously just get real. Unless it's obvious physical something then just don't. It just becomes a handle on which they can cause you issues - they don't really want to have the hassle and you don't want to be in that position.

Impacting wellbeing - right. So the little 'microaggressions' (new pet term someone's come up with) you reckon mention those? To your 1-up? Ok... well... if you have a good relationship with your 1-up they will a)already know and have acted on them or b) you'll already be telling them. So the benefit of telling people to tell them is what actually? Obviously if you're *not* telling your 1-up manager there is a *reason*.  And telling HR? Well you tell me what they actually do and I might. Ask anyone these days and the first thing they'll tell you is HR is there for the company not you. The *only* reason you tell HR is to fill out a tickbox. It's a tickbox for yourself and a tickbox for them. Process followed so that when it is all useless you can say you followed it while then solving your own issues for yourself in another way. Processes themselves are totally for the company's protection. So, telling HR sure, but it does not assist with your health or wellbeing - just with a tickbox. Choose your time and do the minimum with the minimum fuss.

And the corporate counselling service - this confuses me. Almost sounds like they care ... but it's totally toothless. As an external organisation which mostly operates confidentially you can tell them what you like but what's that going to do? Nothing. Anyone sensible already has their own network of friends, families and counsellors totally external. I've proved this too - I've used them a couple of times just for alternate points of view - when yes they acknowledged I was bullied - in fact in the 2008 task has a reference to that. Supposedly they are trained and the corporate part of them suggests they know stuff about office relations. But toothless. Gums smiling in an absent way.

The stuff about the "hard to provide a convenient, physical space for people to go" confuses me - excepting the later context of "groups ... like this".  Which suggests to me that HR are *all over* this private women in tech group. Maybe they're like trying to make a mark here? Like a territorial cat?

Fortunately when it comes to HR I have no sense of smell. I kind of don't really know what they do except recruit, supposedly write policies to protect the company, and manage time-sheet data feeding into costs. They don't do anything that helps our day to day work. I guess I'll keep reading that group and posting if I think I can add to the conversation. The total cluelessness, and contextually emotional ineptness of that comment though, suggests we are going to get more HR input from time to time that might put a lot of people off.

Did I mention that during the worst times of my being bullied, I spoke to the diversity person of my company? He answered the phone and listened and said 'oh really' and sounded like he was laughing. I would email him afterwards giving points on what we discussed. I am fairly sure we talked twice in such a way. It's in those emails I will go through one day. He's head of diversity now. So with IWD etc he's posting up the corporate messages and posting the diversity report. Diversity means all types of diversity of course. But um, I see his name and his position, and well... I then read this territorial HR person's comment and it's all of the same.

In other news I danced at the wedding of some of the most beautiful people I know and he is HR. And one of my best friend's sisters is the most gorgeous person and she is HR. Not at my company. So I watch, and listen, and pay attention to what they tell me and what their values are. I do understand what they do as people because they are good people.

Moving On

It's international.

Edit: I didn't post this and I don't edit things (which is why spelling mistakes, bad grammar what have you) but I got distracted and missed this so I'll stick something here now.

Somewhat ambivalent about IWD day this year. Maybe I'll try next year. I would really like for it *not* to matter. But it does. And the reason why it does sucks.

In other news, I asked for, and got, my secondment extended - by the very sensible new GM of my old toxic area. In fact he said 'approved' before I finished my sentence.

This year I'm learning about 'trust'. It's the word I chose for the year... and I am surprised how much my new experiences at work (since leaving old toxic area) I'm having to learn trust again. Hmmm. Big topic. Another time.

Shoving women both ends of the pipe doesn't work

Day after IWD.

I am still amazed at how many articles (including a big one that just came out from my work) go on and on and on about more female graduates, more STEM to make more female graduates, more mentoring or whatever for women potentially up the top in management.

So happy to see a book released with a title 'Stop Fixing Women'. Haven't read it but I imagine it says pretty much what a lot of management groups have been saying since 2012 : it's not about fixing stuff for women, it's about fixing poor leadership. Poor diversity is the *result* of poor leadership throughout a company that in turn also obviously relates to poorer financial results. I mean, der.  Poor diversity (and not just women - anyone who is really different) is the *symptom* of poor leadership.

Good leadership means inclusion. It's so simple.

You got poor diversity mate, then it's telling you that somewhere somehow you haven't good as good as leadership as you could have.

The 'leadership' topic is huge. Go forth and conquer. Seriously there are so many tools to fix stuff.

So... why is diversity so horrendously bad?

What about we suggest... you haven't tried? That you don't care? That you don't understand because you haven't tried and you don't care?

Tying it to "financial returns" is the first thing that has FINALLY got your attention. I mean, we're all kind of amused while you muddle around being pompous about it. We'll just like hang 10 here polishing our nails while we wait, trying not to smile. Well smile maybe not as we still have to put up with the bullshit leadership style from the last decade. I mean, decades. Millennia really.

I heard they are getting rid of ranking systems at work so we are no longer going to be ranked against one another in our 'teams'. That's good. I don't like competing with my team members. I really want to collaborate. That's like, inclusion, yo?

Crossroads

I have been fortunate enough to secure 2 secondments over the last several months out of my old area. The first starting from June last year was in a tiny software group making tools that my old area used (userbase about 450 people).  The second starting late November in an area where I could do business analysis type work.

I worked out that I wanted to do business analysis type work talking to friends of mine who are BAs and listening to what other friends have done. I realised that some of the synthesising, coming up with solutions and communicating (including documentation) work I have a passion for over the years could be classified as this type of work. I've started doing training courses and the choice to do a secondment in a software development area was so that I would have a feel for how developers would operate so I could in turn be a better BA (although it was also great being told I had a natural bent for some of the programming concepts - I did enjoy that and can see the need to pick that up again on the side). The current secondment has been fantastic for learning the skills I need to move onto a BA position. Even better doing Solutions Analysis work - something I had not thought of doing and getting further into the technical side of things is where I naturally go. And recently I've done very well in a national competition at work for process fixing ideas where I could showcase all of these skills.

Although I've realise that the best thing that that competition has done has proved to *myself* I can do this. I can reach out to others and in a friendly way gather the information and actions I need to complete a project. I can inspire others with my ideas. I can explain clearly. I can present professionally. I seek out and incorporate good feedback. I can understand and take what I need from technical information. I can work out the leads to follow up later and focus on the information that I need in the immediate. I can do this. What is more I have received a lot of very positive feedback about both my idea, my persistence and my ability to communicate it from some very senior people.

And then last night I was chatting to a friend who is an industrial relations lawyer. I told her of my plans not to return to my old area but instead to take a mixture of annual and long service leave while looking for an internal (or external) position. I'm doing this because the thought of returning to my old area makes me "very" depressed.

I realised even before the end of the first day in that first secondment how much pressure I had been under in my old area that I  hadn't even realised. I woke up early two days after that and realised I couldn't go back. Off and on over the few months I would get massive, scary depressive spikes. I eventually worked out what was triggering them was the thought of going back. And that has drawn a line in the sand. I hadn't realised until I was out that I was operating in constant fight or flight mode in my old area. Just stunning. It literally made me stupid and supposedly would have sapped my creativity - this is neurologically a genuine thing. Check the studies. I have recently been chatting to a friend saying I realise that I am more mentally healthy right now than I've been for years and she profoundly agreed. Another reason not to go back.

The sad bit is there is a new GM who I earnestly believe is for the first time doing it right. And the recent reorganisation has put me with the *only* team leader who, like the GM, actually gets it - genuinely understands how to lead people. But the state manager? A known micromanager. And the other team leaders? Well one of them is the one who bullied me years ago and known to have issues leading others. Another is known for gossiping and back stabbing, and not being all that nice to staff - and was a manager I had started a complaint for discrimination early last year but then decided not to proceed. I kinda laughed in a disbelief that wasn't disbelief.  No one was surprised when these people were selected. Even if I go back to that team with the one good team leader we would be operating in a greater environment that is a product of the old culture - years and years, and generations and generations of a certain way of treating people.


So yeah I have a positive thing I'm working towards, and a thing I clearly should not go back to as it is bad for my mental health. And now my industrial relations lawyer friend is telling me it is not fair that I think I should take leave while finding another position. She thinks I should tell a doctor about the depressive spikes and take sick leave instead. And then they either find me another position or they might make me redundant. Problem with them making me redundant if it's not a genuine redundancy is that the taxation office would cause me additional problems - and that's not fair on me either.

Do I have the energy to do this? I really don't know if I could be bothered.

There is a currently a position in the area I am now seconding in. I've applied but the competition is stiff. So I'm not going to take action just now. I would just rather focus on the good and technically interesting things right now. I might ask for an extension of my secondment if I am not successful.

My leadership story

This was my recent icebreaker speech I gave at the Toastmasters I just joined (again after many years). Following on from my previous posts, my thoughts about how to deal with this STEM minority issue stuff have gone new and interesting directions which the below encapsulates. When I stand back and look at this, I'm really surprised it's ended up here. But there you go. There are odd connections to life everywhere.

Some details changed to preserve anonymity. I also no longer care if people know I've dealt with depression in the past. Frankly I think if you've dealt with something like that and come out of it, it makes you a better person. Also in 2015 I got yet another new manger who went back to the bad old ways but haven't bothered with those details here. Fortunately I have received a 6 month secondment into a very different section which has been excellent distance to clarify perspective.

Delivered on 11th October, 2016.

The leadership of the large corporate I work for have recently taken to doing their personal 'leadership stories' on video posting them in the corporate forums. Today I would like to do my own personal leadership story. However as I don't actually manage any people, it's more how the study of leadership has served as a palliative to the marginalisation and isolation I have felt during a certain time over my many years at working at this large corporate. And how going forward I've realised how valuable personal leadership can be for all of us.

So what is a personal leadership story? Well your personal story is what has happened to you, and why it has made you what you are today. For a leadership story, well first let's define a leader and I'll use Nancy Ortbery's, a leadership consultant , definition of "A leader creates a way for people to contribute in order to make something extraordinary happen".

So my personal story is that I started out as a graduate engineer at this corporate and had a great time in various sections and various projects, all while managing clinical depression.

Clinical depression is just 'a thing' like any old 'thing' for those who have to manage it. Although of course I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy's pet dog. It started when I was 12, I was diagnosed when I was 23. The usual medication, counselling, exercise, practising thought techniques like CBT. I was what is known as "high functioning". So picture my friend and I sitting in hospital emergency, in business suits, while a surprised resident psychiatrist gives me details for the local emergency mental health team. It's been so routine for me to deal with depression that I find it hard to believe that everyone doesn't have to deal with this. I am unsurprised by the comment that depression is the common cold of mental illness.

So how does depression connect to leadership? Well let me go a bit further in my story. In 2004, after spending some of the happiest months of my time in this large corporate in a technical team that I had been supposedly relegated to, I was called up to an interview, with someone who is now a director, and asked one of those questions where the only answer is 'yes'. So I found myself back in the mobiles networks engineering section I had come from starting the following week.

Within 2 days while handing over work to the previous section, I had been hauled into an office with the then acting manager and told I wasn't wanted, wasn't' needed, and if I didn't want to be there they could make that happen. Oh how I wish I had taken them up on that offer. Thus began my descent into what, had I been healthier, would have caused me to leave this large corporate.

I was handed an area to look after with no training, no mentoring in work I had never done before. After doing everything I could while asking for help, that area was removed from me and I was given another area. I observed members of the what was regularly referred to as "the boys club" personally go to help their friends if they made an error while I would receive an email with a CC to my boss being told of my mistake. Work well done was ignored. Praise and opportunities unevenly given. So it got to the point in 2007 when I didn't want to take leave as my work would not get done and I would get into trouble when I came back. My depression got very, very bad. Very very very very bad.

At this point I'm going to skip over a few details. By 2009 me, my manager, my managers manger, the HR person and the HR person's manager has reached a kind of polite truce and backing off. I had been given an area in the middle of nowhere with little responsibility. And when I commented about this, this was halved.

But I was still there as by this stage I believed myself totally unemployable and was financially dependant.

I disengaged.

Come 2014 I had a new manager who had the guts to take a chance on me. And gave me the feedback and support I had asked for.

I re-engaged.

But now I started to realise what had happened to me wasn't right. I started post processing it. Was what had happened to me because I was female? Was what had happened to me because I didn't fit in with the 'cool' crowd? At one point I had mentioned to my manager's manager that only hip white males had been employed in the last 3 years. I read a bit of feminism. The language and concepts there helped give me the words and a framework to work out what had happened to me.

The moment you start looking at gender equality you must look at the other types of equality: race, disability, sexuality, or just anyone who is different really. In fact at the 2015 COO roadshow I pointed out during question time that despite this large corporate making plans to go into Asia, the stage only had white males on it. Incidentally they all were dressed in similar clothes - and all had the same haircut.

It gets a bit down just pointing out what is wrong though. My engineering brain went into 'fix it' mode. So how do you fix inequality? The key word is 'inclusion'.

And this is where I circle back to leadership, and personal leadership. It's pretty ordinary when people are excluded for whatever reason in a workplace, whether malicious or just careless thoughtlessness. It takes a tiny bit of personal effort to make sure that a person is heard in that meeting, that person is given credit, that that person is included. And everyone then benefits when you do this. That's the extra ordinary. That's what good leaders do. A leader creates ways for people to contribute so that something extra ordinary happens.

There has been a recent rush of articles suggesting that if you just sprinkle a few women into top management positions up the top there, and shove in more female graduates in the bottom there, that you'll get diversity and therefore magically get better economic performance.

That's rubbish. Poor diversity is the outcome of poor leadership all the way through a company.

It's not my plan today to work out why good diversity gives better economic performance. I'm just focusing in on how you actually get that diversity: It's clear from my experience that it is through small moments of inclusion that happen in the everyday. And inclusion happens with good leadership.

So that's my leadership story. I continue to work on what a good leader is and how to become one. And who knows I may even manage people one day.