Private non-safe and public active inclusion

On Tuesday I caught up with 3 women of what I refer to as "my old toxic area".  They can see the change in me. How I am a lot more relaxed and confident - even while at the same time I am kind of freaked out at how big a task I've taken on in my job in my new area (seriously, it challenges me in 7 different parallels, some of which it's just hilarious how opposing they are to my former work and natural tendencies trained into me how to deal). And I was asked a couple of times, as I was hotdesking on the floor I was previously on, if I missed the old workplace and I replied honestly that yes there were parts I did miss.

Anyway my friends at lunch stated clearly that no it wasn't just me, there are culture problems back in that old area, even (and first) the person who tends to be most cheerful and smiling over it and I've never heard her say it quite so bluntly before. Another of us women (not at lunch) is rotating out for 6 months and the bet is on she won't come back. My longest term friend is due to rotate I could hear in what she was telling me just how hurt she has been since the reorganisation last year - their efforts at complying with diversity efforts just making the problem worse. I don't think the area she is rotating to is that much more culturally better but at least it's away so she'll be given some emotional distance from the day to day in order to sort out in her own mind what is going on and what she can  work out what she wants to do. She is so smart. Seriously she's wonderful - but she's been this background person for years and they either just ignore her or treat her like crap. My one attempt at sticking up for her got me in serious trouble and then she got seriously angry with me for it - I sensed fear maybe? She told me it had had negative consequences for her so I was sorry for sticking up for her as I didn't want that to happen. She's a very private person. I'm glad she's forgiven me. I wasn't sure if I should invite her to lunch but she responded yes really quickly and I think I'm going to try to catch up with her in our holidays. See how we go.

So I was wondering about inviting these people to that private corporate forum sub group thing I mentioned earlier. And... basically I've discovered after that HR person pissed in that group, what's the point? It's not a safe space. So the next thing is looking for external safe spaces. I might see if I can discover more about the Google Women Techmakers thing. However I discovered chatting from staff at the event last Friday that all the large tech companies have a similar program and given Google's horrendous diversity record (the regulator is taking them to court right now because they won't release diversity data from 2015 onwards lol) maybe that is pointless as it's just another tickbox.

They've been shoving down our throats a lot lately diversity this, diversity that. Every fricking team meeting practically since last year. It's been proven that diversity programs don't work and in fact make things go backwards. So as the rare number of women in the group when they go on and on about it you sick there and you feel uncomfortable and you figure you only got your job because of some diversity policy - and so do most of your team members.

Seriously why on earth is my corporate doing this? Do they want it to fail? All this effort for what exactly? Do they actually want to make it worse for us? They do know why we don't raise issues yes?

Just yesterday over new section pizza I was told of the team who works right next to us work the strict 9 to 5 be at your desk hours and a grad in that area, female, was told no she may not go to lunch in the city or work there as it would take too long. Stunned. I did not think that style of working still existed after all their programs and leadership things. The grad this affected was told complain to HR. She has elected not to and just suck it up for another 3 months. I was really surprised anyone would take any other action than what she has done (mind you this was a young white male who said this - he'll learn).

In an interesting state of affairs one of the other women from my old toxic area has done one of the promotional videos for the area that the new wonderful GM is encouraging to change the culture, and it was commented on positively from the GMD. This is a great and good thing. I'm really glad and good on her. It's so rare when women get called out positively specifically for their work and it doesn't come across as a token thing.

Possibly the worst way things are made less diverse is by a passive ignoring.  An active inclusion on things that actually matter is so positive.

Trending in leadership : character

Apparently we're not talking about "personal leadership" anymore. We're talking about character. Which makes sense as prior to this another buzzword was "genuine".

And I keep thinking about Kipling's poem 'If'. Cos, you know how it goes, even if it's about men, being women we're expected to appropriate male things all the time. So in this case even though it's specifically to men, I totally will appropriate it as it's a great poem about character.

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, 

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, 

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, 

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, 

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: 

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster 

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken 

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, 

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, 

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools: 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings 

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, 

And lose, and start again at your beginnings 

    And never breathe a word about your loss; 

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew 

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you 

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch, 

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, 

    If all men count with you, but none too much; 

If you can fill the unforgiving minute 

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

   Very English. Somewhat Buddhist. A more Christian approach would be to cry with others or feel joy with them: a more empathetic approach. I guess it doesn't talk about how to build those relationships with loving friends. Hmmm. So it's not quite all there. I saw a reference to 'Servant Leadership' on the corporate webpage and almost fell off my chair as that's so Christian. But no worries it referenced a Wikipedia article (being challenged from 2012 as being not sufficiently referenced) referring to Chinese philosophers so no danger of that Christian stuff there. 

Still character is an interesting thing to think about. One step, one day, at a time.

Being able to recognise what is happening

It has surprised me that over the last couple of weeks I am hearing more stories of
a) Women actually asking what to do if the workplace is bad
b) Being told bluntly "Leave".

I guess a) surprises me because I never really asked it. I didn't realise I could. I am very happy to hear of it being asked because this means that more and more women are realising, this is BS and it's not *my* fault. This is very good to hear. This recognition is such a key survival thing.

Now in what has to be hilarious timing  we get these adds from Microsoft *blaming* women for leaving STEM. And here is a fabulous response to this this.

Now I would just like to remind you that this is the same Microsoft that, while very apologetic that it happened, their own employees the product of their own Microsoft culture and policies thought it was ok to have strippers dressed as schoolgirls at an industry party. Say what they like about what they supposedly believe but somehow their beliefs didn't get communicated to middle and lower employees here.

So b) surprises me I guess as maybe I was hoping for a different response? I mean, we're makers and fixers and problem solvers in STEM, so this response is like the total opposite of that. Put that together with a culture that puts the onus on girls to smooth things over, for women to make things all right, for females to do the emotional housework. It kind of goes against the grain.

I'm sick of fighting though. It's so much frigging energy for nothing. Yesterday a colleague from across my organisation who I much admire as being up to date with industry, very capable and adaptive tell me that she's looking for jobs externally. Their section is going through a reorg and it will be the third time she'll have to negotiate for her job.

You see another huge elephant in the room, and it's in this exact same room, is, most tech jobs can be done anywhere - and so a lot of STEM jobs gets shipped off overseas. There is a casualness and insecurity about tech which is just not friendly to people with families. As women bear the brunt of families then this leaves an off taste. I asked my social media why they thought a lot of people didn't study STEM at uni and that was the response from a number of guys who are actually in IT.

There is this huge thing about needing more people with STEM skills ... and then this competing problems with culture and insecurity. I get the feelling that we're going to have to solve it by going around rather than through.