Discussing with a friend, a DV survivor, this morning what would I say if I met someone else in that situation, and she asked what happened that I made a move to get out of there.
I think what helped me move out is when I focused on something else - somewhere to get to.
So going through the logic:
Slowly over time the situation has become more and more toxic - in fact it's really bad so that all those who care about me are telling me to get out.
As it's happened so slowly I can't see its so bad. I don't believe them as they are outside and they can't see the things I hope in, that the people are mostly ok and have good and bad sides, that there are chunks of hope.
My view of myself has eroded over time. I no longer believe I have any value. I believe I am useless and unemployable. The pieces of hope I have are that I might be lucky to get a break in this place but that is the only hope that is realistic for me. I believe what they say of me and how they view me and how they treat me.
Management don't know any better. It's been like this for a long time, everyone here the same. So they can't see how bad it is or what could be better. I am getting my reference point from them and this feeds into my perception of myself and my work.
I know I'm unhappy. And I pick at it. And really that doesn't get me anywhere.
Even as I read up and analyse it and here is where I am grateful for feminism concepts to untangle events for which I do not have words or concepts or a framework to process what is going on. I had kept away from all that stuff years ago, equating anything about gender a cause of problems. Determined that if I ignored gender, that anyone else who dealt with me would ignore it also. If it had no value to me, then I should be perceived as person first gender next by others. And that is sort of true. Excepting that my differences by whatever means, gender being part of those, seemed to be the problem. The emphasis on inclusiveness makes so much sense to me.
So what to do with this happiness? This round and around in my head of I am useless so I can't do anything so I'm stuck here and lucky to have a job. So helpless. Just stuck. Around and around.
So I was frustrated with myself as much as those people around me who I heard saying the same things. Complaining to one another does not improve matters.
So I started with the question "What do I want?" I can't whinge about something and just stay there - I need to take action or else quit complaining. It was clear that despite much effort things were not going to change there as I had tried. And I can't just want something impossible, like 'that it's not like this' - it needs to be something tangible. So I started looking outwards. What could I do, what could I aim for.
So the focus stopped being on myself, and this internal I'm useless short-circuit, to looking outside to what I would like to do, I could see there were opportunities out there, and work out the steps to take and have the courage to take them.
As I chatted with my other friend who had been in a situation like this, you just don't know that you're in that situation and how bad it is. You won't believe people who tell you to get out.
Perhaps the trick to help those people is to show them what else is out there, what other workplaces are like, and encourage them to look inside, not at what they are, but what they would like. What you would like is independent of how good or bad you are at it. Capture people's imaginations, help them get in touch with the interests and likes inside of them, show them opportunities.
